WWJD?: September 2008

Thursday, September 25, 2008

deep dark secrets

many of us have secrets we keep to ourselves.. sometimes these secrets are so dark that we are afraid of exposing our true identities even to the closest people we love.. these are what i call the real secrets of each individual.

'there are no secrets under the sun' some people say secrets are meant to be shared, meant to be exposed at the right time (or most of the times-the wrong time).. but i strongly believe that the darkest secrets we keep to ourselves can be so well hidden that absolutely no one (not even someone who is psychic) can sense it.

people do keep secrets that are never divulged.. they carry it to their graves and die with it, leaving behind no trace whatsoever so that others will never know...

but worst of all secrets are those we keep by lying to others and to ourselves... by being someone else we are not.. by living a life packed with lies so that our darkest secret can never (or so one hopes) be revealed. and it is really tiring, i guess, having to keep up with those lies.. sometimes some of it are not well done - a bit of the secret is leaked.. sometimes it is done so well we begin to believe it ourselves..

it must be real painful living a stranger's life, i guess... sometimes u look at urself and u find urself so unfamiliar and u begin to wonder 'Who am i?' i feel everyone is charged guilty for this. often enough, we do something i call 'selective presentation' of ourselves.. how we appear to others are merely us selecting the good personalities we think we have, then portraying out for appropriate people at appropriate times. and usually people do buy into our presentations...

cant blame anybody really... if we let our guards down.. we will be termed as one big fat SINNER cos our real selves are really ugly.. i mean no one else would want to see the other side of someone else - the bad side (so they say) so what for we show it right? we want people to like us to love us.. not reject us not hate us.. just live life according to social standards of 'good' and blend into the society so that we become unnoticeable.. so that life can be comfortable.. so that so that so that.. (SHUT UP ALREADY!)

our identities, our values are shaped by everybody else except ourselves.. why are we doing what we are doing? who are we doing what we are doing for? u say im pining for individualism? but that's so cliched now.... sucked into the bottomless pit of mainstream.. now everyone wants to be individual just like everyone else. hooray for them! how ironic can that ever get.

sometimes when i think that im in control (cos my secrets are all well kept) in actual fact im not.. cos im being controlled by the dark secrets that bind me to the corner... when my situation is out of control (cos my secrets all exposed).. i am actually in total control.. cos i have nothing to hide then:)

home is supposedly a sanctuary for me to feel safe and secure... but i always forget that i live in a building where the walls are thinner than tissue and noise travels not in a straight line.. i always forget that in the neighbourhood where i live, people have ears to listen, mouths to gossip.. everytime after a difficult situation, when i settle down, i then realised how embarrassing it must have been because (i am totally sure that) my 10th (or 9th or 8th etc.) floor neighbors are all listening to my horrendous-sounding screamings and/or cries at my family members:\ they mus have a real bad impression of me... but everybody's still nice to u.. smile at u.. say 'how do u do?' but in actual fact, they have robbed some of my secrets from my 'secret' bank, exposing the utter ugliness in me.

Appearance not equals Reality. Period.

Wednesday, September 24, 2008

thanks to a certain friend.. i'm beginning to miss my kayaking days:( I remember that those days, we...

1) had to wake up early for training at the kallang river (have to reach at 9am all ready waiting for coach:\)
2) proudly wear our jersey
3) run to PA club because late
4) always late kena pushup punishments
5) improved stamina drastically (my canoeing teacher was damn shocked when she reviewed our past and present timings haha)
6) had to smell the unbearable stench of the dirty waters but still capsize in it:\
7) had to endure the kilometers and more kilometers of paddling coach pushed us to row
8) had to race against each other even though we are friends
9) had to endure embarrassments when coach use his loud hailer to yell out our names to point out our mistakes
10) had to stay in the sun
11) had to walk on sand filled with oil when it is low tide
12) had to paddle harder after raining cos the waters are always too calm (on the surface) after a heavy down pour
13) alwaes pray that the lightning would not strike us cos we are holding on to (fully) carbon-made paddles
14) wished that Duck tours will just shut up
15) had to re-enact adventure races (FUN!)
16) had to run 5km after warm ups, paddle another 2K straight after? (can't remember the exact measures but just noe that we are all dead beat after that)
17) had to drag our boats n paddles n swim all the way back if we capsize in the middle of the river
18) got to dragon boat! yayys:)
19) had to do the 'McDonald's meal' warm ups:\ (set meal of pushups, cycling crunches and burpies)
20) had to wash every life jacket, paddle, boat
21) had to count boats n paddles n life-jackets
22) had personalised paddles with our names on the handle
23) had code names; mine's xiao wei ok DUN U DARE LAUGH
24) had bets whereby the guys had to do pushups because i lost the race against my team girls (haha:p im sorry.. I didn't know u all had such faith in me! ahah:p sorry to disappoint but thanks:) i'm much flattered haha:p)
25) had mini races where Evelyn (girls captain) will always be asked by coach to race with the guys.. haha:p

these are just only one-tenth of the things i remember from those two years:) there are many many more i still recall now and then but there are jus too many for me to type it out...

it has been a fulfilling two years (less than that actually) with my canoeing khakis.. nobody else understands y we are so hiong so enthu.. everything chiong chiong chiong.. some laugh at us, call us siao.. my parents scolded me upside down when i went home with sun burns, bruises, scratches, wounds, rashes etc. haha

but we dun care.. cos we have common goals we want to achieve together as a team.. we've been trained to do watever it takes.. we are determined to make it.. most importantly, we have each other to encourage and be encouraged:)

lately.. i feel that i have lost that zeal.. that chionging force.. i need to get that feeling back.. i need to wake up and stop wasting my time:\ i need to feel like xiao wei again...

Monday, September 08, 2008

u are being selfish when u say we don't care
u are being selfish when u say u walk alone
u are being selfish when u say we (I) gave up on you
u are being selfish when u say we (I) don't believe you
u are being selfish when u don't answer calls
u are being selfish when u don't reply our (my) smses
u are being selfish when u say to me 'forget i ever say anithing'
u are being selfish when u say 'never mind. it's okay' and just walk away

u are being selfish and u have absolutely NO idea how u hurt me so terriblyyyy..........................

but i'm still here if u need me.. i promised i won't ever let go of u as a friend:)